Speaker: Christina Aldan @luckygirliegirl

For more see the table of contents

---

Saving the day

• Overcommit
• People get used to asking last minute
• Others “can’t”
• Wake up call – physical health/carpal tunnel

Boundaries

• Sound – headphones, cell phone policy, meeting facilitation
• Nonnegotiatables – core values. Deal breakers
• Time – deliverables and more
• Physical – handshakes, taking breaks, hugs, solo lunches
• Mental/emotional – communication, delegating, saying no, avoiding gossip
• Material/financial – salary, benefits, office space, equipment

General

• Feel stuck and come out fighting when backed into corner

Why we resist boundary intrusions

• Missed opportunities
• Want to help – little things expand and now you own them
• Want people to like us
• Think have to take on everything
• We are having fun. but even the fun things take energy
• Conflict avoidance
• Avoid being a jerk. Some people take no as insult
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of missing out (FOMO)
• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of imperfection
• Fear of not belonging
• Fear of change
• Fear of judgement

Important skill

• Being able to say no sets boundaries
• Sets expectations of others in relationship
• Rules must be followed; create own
• Can focus more
• Multitasking is not a thing; need to focus
• Stay connected to purpose
• Good fences make good neighbors; people know what to expect

Saying yes all the time

• Sacrifice gym, personal things
• Sick too much. Used to plan 10 days to be sick.
• Always busy; can’t slow down
• Crash
• Work is mediocre at best; significantly more mistakes when rush
• Cancel on friends last minute – “flaker friend”
• Resentful when tired

Saying no

• Value own time
• Think about whether feel obligated – can send to resources or offer to help with a part
• Think about what it would take to make it an emphatic yes. ex: for negotating contracts and salaries
• Gamify saying no. Tell people practicing. Have people ask silly yes/no questions.
• Decide; if you don’t honor your boundaries why should someone else

Hack your brain/emotional intelligence

• Change your password; change your mind. ex: “NoWayJ0$e” or “NotGoingToDoIt” and log out each time. Forces you to type it a lot and brings to forefront of mind and attention.
• Shift perspective – third person perspective as if on tv. See relationships and reactions
• Calming techniques; tapping solutions audio book – takes time to convince brain willing to shift
• Practice!
• Self directed study – ex: read something every day, social media, listen to audio, etc
• Set reminders on calendar. Brain processes images faster than anything so glance at it and see pop up as constant reminder about saying no
• Writing on paper – involve more senses
• Role play – had conversation in head

Have phrases

• “Thanks so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately I have another commitment. I am copying X who is an expert on the subject and more than qualified to speak at your event”
• “I am not the est person to help out with this. There’s probably someone more appropriate to ask”
• “If this were any other day/time I would do it. Unfortunately I have another commitment”
• “It just don’t work with my calendar:
• “This doesn’t meet my needs now, but I will keep you in mind for future reference” – stops repeat spam on linked in
• “No. Unfortunately it looks like it won’t work for me”
• “Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately my calendar is full at the moment. How is X for you”
• “I just don’t feel like I could give you my full time and attention on this”
• “Thanks for asking me, but I’m already committed to something that day”
• “I promised my business partner I wouldn’t take on any more projects”
• “I can’t do that, but let me tell you what I can commit to”

Warnings

• Be honest – don’t defer to next month if don’t want to do it
• Beware of reluctant yes where “yeah, I think I can do that” and then it immediately gets bumped. Either emphatic yes or definitive no.
• “No” is a complete sentence

My take

This was awesome. Faced paced and lots of ideas. My session is right after this and I have a few things I can reference!